I decided to write this blog for all my sisters who have yet to find the elusive orgasm. I can say that I used to be among you ladies… I would orgasm maybe once a year but I never knew why or what was done to cause it. It wasn’t until I met a man that cared about pleasing me, that I experimented with different positions, talked about what felt good and what didn’t, before I finally learned to orgasm through intercourse. Although, I had found my orgasm it was still not an easy task and I often didn’t try to orgasm because it was too much work…. Over time I found a way to orgasm every time I have sex, not just once but several times. I am hoping that what I learned will help you to reach orgasm every time you have sex too.
What prevents a woman from reaching orgasm?
We as women hold the entire world on our shoulders. We often work jobs we can’t stand with people that get on our nerves. We often carry the sole responsibility of providing for our families financially. We take care of our children and have to deal with their stresses, failures, and issues. We sometimes have the burden of caring for our parents if they are ill. My goodness, it is amazing we have the energy to have sex at all.
Now we add to this the stress of trying to orgasm when we have had difficulty in the past. We worry if we are doing it right/performance anxiety. We have poor body image perception. We are dealing with past negative baggage from bad relationships and lets not forget that 1 in every 5 women have been sexually abused, molested or raped. We have so much to overcome.
So what do we do?
First, we have to relax and rid ourselves of all negative thoughts regarding intimacy. Quiet your mind, focus totally on feeling sexy and aroused… focus on your man, enjoying his smell, the way his skin feels, his voice, and the little things he says. Accept that our female figures are beautiful and sexually attractive. Yes damn it, you are beautiful, sexy, and attractive and guess what… your man finds you irresistible! No self-rejection allowed here. J
Second, you must allow yourself to imagine how excited you will feel. When you and your man begin touching each other, allow yourself to get as sexually excited as possible. Be so excited you can barely stand it. Starting intercourse before you are fully aroused could kill the chances of reaching orgasm.
If you find that you are having trouble quieting your mind focus on how sexually aroused you want to feel… I would have a dream and almost reach orgasm but could never get that feeling during intercourse. I found that focusing on the feeling and trying to get back to the level of arousal I had in my dreams helped me. You can also think about your favorite fantasy, put yourself in the role of the person receiving the most pleasure. Totally get into that role, feel it, be it and totally let go and allow yourself to enjoy what you are experiencing. It is said that the brain is the biggest and most important sex organ…. so use it to your benefit.
Third, understand that most women do not orgasm from penetration only and must have manual clitoral stimulation to assist in reaching orgasm. When I learned this I felt so much better about myself; I no longer thought something was wrong with me and put my focus on learning my body, exploring what feels good to me and then reaching orgasm through manual stimulation while having sex with my man. EXPLOSIVE!!!!
Exploring your Spots
C-spot/Clitoral Stimulation & Exploration
Touch your clit and figure out what feels good to you. Some women cannot handle direct stimulation to the clit and need stimulation around the clitoris. Figure out what type of touch and rub gets you excited. If you are a woman that does not easily get excited or has issues getting wet, get a water based lube to assist. Fingers that slide over and around your clit, versus dryly tugging on, will feel much better. To help with your sexual arousal if doing this alone, you can read some erotica or watch an erotic movie (porn). You may have to practice a few times before you figure it out but don’t give up. You know better than your man what feels good to you, so figure it out and get your orgasm. Some women like to use bullets or other toys. My clit is very sensitive so any type of vibrating toy, on it or near it, is too much for me but what is good for one woman does not hold true for another.
G-Spot Stimulation & Exploration
Once you have explored and figured out what feels good and how to cum it is time to try to find your G-spot. I wrote a complete blog on female ejaculation that discusses where to find your G-spot. The G-spot is located inside the vaginal canal. I can find mine by inserting my finger, hooking it around and aiming for my clit from the inside. It is normally only 2-3 inches inside the canal; the area is about the size of a quarter and enlarges with stimulation. It will feel a bit more textured than the surrounding tissue; I think it feels like soft ridges or cottage cheese. When pressure is applied to your G-spot you will feel the sensation of needing to urinate.
For those women who cannot reach orgasm via Clitoral stimulation, G-spot stimulation or a combination of G-spot and clitoral stimulation may work better for you. When I first started searching for my G-spot I used my finger to find the spongy area that held my sweet spot and realized I needed some help with this one… I soon purchased a G-spot finder because it is hard as hell to do G-spot and Clitoral stimulation simultaneously on your own. Try it and you will see what I mean. lol.
Tips and links to learn more about how to reach orgasm.
- Doing Kegel exercises – it has been found that women who use their kegel muscle obtain orgasm easier than those that do not
- Claiming your pleasure; don’t be afraid to do what it takes to ensure you reach orgasm
o Cervical orgasm
- Speak up and tell your partner what works for you and what doesn’t
Lastly, the most important part of reaching orgasm is relaxing and positive thought. Knowing that I would reach orgasm and willing it to happen has always helped me in times when I struggled with it. Even now when I am tired and I worry I may not cum, I say to myself “here it comes” and it does.
I would love to hear from you. Tell us how you found your way to orgasm or the struggles you are still having. We are all here to help each other.
So until next week… Have Great Sex…. Smooches.
Lady Tajahi – Secrets@ladytajahi.com