Wednesday, January 5, 2011

How to Find the Elusive Orgasm

Happy LadiesI decided to write this blog for all my sisters who have yet to find the elusive orgasm.  I can say that I used to be among you ladies… I would orgasm maybe once a year but I never knew why or what was done to cause it.  It wasn’t until I met a man that cared about pleasing me, that I experimented with different positions, talked about what felt good and what didn’t, before I finally learned to orgasm through intercourse.  Although, I had found my orgasm it was still not an easy task and I often didn’t try to orgasm because it was too much work…. Over time I found a way to orgasm every time I have sex, not just once but several times.    I am hoping that what I learned will help you to reach orgasm every time you have sex too.

What prevents a woman from reaching orgasm?

We as women hold the entire world on our shoulders.  We often work jobs we can’t stand with people that get on our nerves.  We often carry the sole responsibility of providing for our families financially. We take care of our children and have to deal with their stresses, failures, and issues.  We sometimes have the burden of caring for our parents if they are ill.  My goodness, it is amazing we have the energy to have sex at all. 

Now we add to this the stress of trying to orgasm when we have had difficulty in the past.  We worry if we are doing it right/performance anxiety.  We have poor body image perception.  We are dealing with past negative baggage from bad relationships and lets not forget that 1 in every 5 women have been sexually abused, molested or raped.  We have so much to overcome.

So what do we do?

Intimately HappyFirst, we have to relax and rid ourselves of all negative thoughts regarding intimacy.  Quiet your mind, focus totally on feeling sexy and aroused… focus on your man, enjoying his smell, the way his skin feels, his voice, and the little things he says.  Accept that our female figures are beautiful and sexually attractive.  Yes damn it, you are beautiful, sexy, and attractive and guess what… your man finds you irresistible!  No self-rejection allowed here.  J 

Second, you must allow yourself to imagine how excited you will feel.  When you and your man begin touching each other, allow yourself to get as sexually excited as possible.  Be so excited you can barely stand it.   Starting intercourse before you are fully aroused could kill the chances of reaching orgasm.  

If you find that you are having trouble quieting your mind focus on how sexually aroused you want to feel…  I would have a dream and almost reach orgasm but could never get that feeling during intercourse.  I found that focusing on the feeling and trying to get back to the level of arousal I had in my dreams helped me.  You can also think about your favorite fantasy, put yourself in the role of the person receiving the most pleasure.  Totally get into that role, feel it, be it and totally let go and allow yourself to enjoy what you are experiencing.  It is said that the brain is the biggest and most important sex organ…. so use it to your benefit.

Third, understand that most women do not orgasm from penetration only and must have manual clitoral stimulation to assist in reaching orgasm.  When I learned this I felt so much better about myself; I no longer thought something was wrong with me and put my focus on learning my body, exploring what feels good to me and then reaching orgasm through manual stimulation while having sex with my man.   EXPLOSIVE!!!!

Exploring your Spots

C-spot/Clitoral Stimulation & Exploration
clit imageTouch your clit and figure out what feels good to you.  Some women cannot handle direct stimulation to the clit and need stimulation around the clitoris.  Figure out what type of touch and rub gets you excited.  If you are a woman that does not easily get excited or has issues getting wet, get a water based lube to assist.  Fingers that slide over and around your clit, versus dryly tugging on, will feel much better. To help with your sexual arousal if doing this alone, you can read some erotica or watch an erotic movie (porn). You may have to practice a few times before you figure it out but don’t give up.  You know better than your man what feels good to you, so figure it out and get your orgasm.  Some women like to use bullets or other toys.  My clit is very sensitive so any type of vibrating toy, on it or near it, is too much for me but what is good for one woman does not hold true for another. 
G-Spot Stimulation & Exploration
Once you have explored and figured out what feels good and how to cum it is time to try to find your G-spot.  I wrote a complete blog on female ejaculation that discusses where to find your G-spot.   The G-spot is located inside the vaginal canal.  I can find mine by inserting my finger, hooking it around and aiming for my clit from the inside.  It is normally only 2-3 inches inside the canal; the area is about the size of a quarter and enlarges with stimulation.  It will feel a bit more textured than the surrounding tissue; I think it feels like soft ridges or cottage cheese.  When pressure is applied to your G-spot you will feel the sensation of needing to urinate.   

For those women who cannot reach orgasm via Clitoral stimulation, G-spot stimulation or a combination of G-spot and clitoral stimulation may work better for you.  When I first started searching for my G-spot I used my finger to find the spongy area that held my sweet spot and realized I needed some help with this one… I soon purchased a G-spot finder because it is hard as hell to do G-spot and Clitoral stimulation simultaneously on your own.  Try it and you will see what I mean.  lol. 

Tips and links to learn more about how to reach orgasm.

-       Doing Kegel exercises – it has been found that women who use their kegel muscle obtain orgasm easier than those that do not
-       Claiming your pleasure; don’t be afraid to do what it takes to ensure you reach orgasm
o   C-Spot
o   G-Spot
o   U-Spot
o   Cervical orgasm
-       Speak up and tell your partner what works for you and what doesn’t

Tajahi's SecretsLastly, the most important part of reaching orgasm is relaxing and positive thought.  Knowing that I would reach orgasm and willing it to happen has always helped me in times when I struggled with it.  Even now when I am tired and I worry I may not cum, I say to myself “here it comes” and it does. 

I would love to hear from you.  Tell us how you found your way to orgasm or the struggles you are still having.  We are all here to help each other. 

So until next week… Have Great Sex…. Smooches.  
“...Claim It”
Lady Tajahi –

The Truth about the Female Orgasm

Did you know that 10 - 15% of women have never experienced Orgasm?
Did you know that 33% of women can't find their G-spot?

Take control of your sexual pleasure ladies.  Become educated about your bodies, know what works for you and communicate with your partner so you can experience better sex regularly. 

The truth about female orgasm

Give your man the Gift of Role Play

Tajahi's SecretsValentines Day will be here before you know and for those who celebrate, what better way to add a little spice to the bedroom during the holiday than to give your man the gift of Role Play (RP).  RP is a good way to put that spark back into the bedroom when things have become routine or you are finding that you just aren’t as excited about intimacy as you used to be.

I always encourage good communication between partners, so before you jump out on in him in your “I dream of Jeannie” costume ready to grant Major Nelson’s every wish….. Please talk to your man.  J Tell him you read my blog and I suggested you try something a little different to add some kinkiness to the bedroom.   Find out what type of RP he would like to do as well and then go get your costumes. 

Today I discussed with the Ladies on the Tajahi Facebook Page if they liked to Role Play.  Many of them shared their RP experiences, as did I.  Role-play can also add another level of excitement, fun & erotic pleasure to intimacy that is already hot.   Below are some of RP suggestions from the Tajahi Facebook page as well as some I thought up myself

1.    Santa’s Little Helper***
2.    Arabian Nights
3.    Cave man & Cave Woman
4.    The Wild West
5.    Alice in Wonderland
6.    Robin Hood & Maid Marian
7.    The Professor & the Naughty Student
8.    Egyptian Queen w/ her slave
9.    Cougar and the Younger Pool Man
10. Roger Rabbit & Jessica
11. Superman & Wonder Woman
12. Dorothy & the Tin Man
13. Cop & the Prostitute
14. Star Wars – Han Solo & Leah
15. The Mail / UPS / FedEx Man
16. sub/Dom
17. Geisha Girl
18. Tarzan
19. Angel & Buffy the Vampire Slayer

You can also further your RP experience by getting a themed hotel room, like for instance, a FantaSuite. 

Do you like to Role Play?  If so, what is your Role Playing Fantasy?

Wish you all the gift of many wonderful Orgasms. 


How do you build confidence in yourself to have more pleasure in the bedroom?

We started this conversation on the Tajahi Facebook Page and I decided to bring it here so I could speak a little more freely.  I often worry about what I put on Facebook and try to keep it as clean as possible.... Here I can say what I want, how I want. Tajahi's Secrets

I will share with you my journey in a quick blog... 

My first experience with gaining control and claiming my orgasm started a long time ago... I was very naive, shy and didn't understand my body, fortunately my man wanted me to cum... we talked about it and we decided to try a version of "woman on top" with him propped on a pillow so that he was leaning back and my breast were easily accessible to him... Boy was that wonderful... to go from never having an orgasm to at least one every time we were intimate.  After a while though he got burned out on that position and I had to figure something else out.  

Now that I knew how to cum and was familiar with the feeling, I was able to have an orgasm in the missionary position but not often and trying to lift my weight plus his weight, so I could grind my C-spot against him, was just too much.  I would be totally worn out by the time I had an orgasm that attempting to have another one was out of the question.  Sometimes it would take me so long to even get the feeling of wanting to cum that I would just quit.  It was so frustrating.  I wanted to experience what I had heard so many other women say they experienced... Explosive Orgasms, one after another till they couldn't do it anymore.  

I finally got tired of having sex and not being satisfied.  There is nothing worse then being horny as hell and when it is over you are not only still horny but totally disappointed cause his ass is sleep.  Oh and if you were dealing with my man he would wake up and want to do it again.  I would still be just as disappointed after the second round. Ugh... It really put a damper on my sex drive.  So I started reading books and discovered that most woman do not cum in the missionary position. I also discovered  that for most women clitoral stimulation is necessary to climax consistently during sex... 

The next time we did it... I waited to begin intimacy until I was totally aroused... and when I mean totally aroused I mean I was ready grab him and fuck the shit out of his ass... lol.  Then I told him the position I wanted to be in which was doggie style.  I read that most women came easier in this position because of the G-spot stimulation and the ability for me to have my hands free to stimulate my own clit and that is exactly what I did.  OMG was it wonderful.  I came 3 times in that position and after that I didn't care what he did cause it all felt wonderful... I was so satisfied.  The feeling of having those 3 orgasm brought my confidence way up.  He loved it because I was cumming and I loved it cause not only could I cum but I came multiple times.

From that point on I have always been open about telling my man what I like, the positions I find it easy to cum in and we talk about what he likes too.  I used to worry about what my man would think about me rubbing my clit but after consistent and multiple climaxes men don't care because they play a big part in your satisfaction.   

I hope this helps... and I would love to hear your stories about how you began to claim your own pleasure. 

Monday, December 13, 2010

What are Ben Wa Balls?

I was introduced to Ben Wa Balls back in 2003… I have always liked going to the Adult Toy Stores with my guy and looking around for new stuff.  I will admit that although I know what most of the toys in the store do, whenever I saw those little balls I was baffled. 

So I decided to buy a set and then I got online and did a little research.

A really quick history of Ben Wa Balls

Ben Wa Balls originated in Japan around 500 AD and were originally used to give men a little extra pleasure during intercourse.  You know we women are smart, so we realized that not only did men benefit from the extra sensations… we could benefit as well.  The feeling of these free floating balls in the vagina caused women to become sexually aroused as well as other benefits.

Ben Wa Balls can be as small as regular marbles to about an inch in diameter.  The balls the Japanese used were metal and had mercury inside them; the movement of the mercury caused tiny sensations in the vagina and with some women, this movement could bring them to orgasm.  I have read stories of women holding Ben Wa balls in their vagina and doing housework, building their sexual arousal during the day for when their husbands came home from work.  I also read that women would sit in and rock themselves to orgasm. 

Ben Wa Balls Today

Today Ben Wa Balls are made of different types of materials… metal, plastic, latex, glass, even jade (of course mercury is no longer legal).  It is important to pick balls that do not easily collect bacteria so I suggest metal or glass.  Try to find balls that are hollow and weighted with smaller metal balls inside them; these balls move as you move causing your vaginal muscles to tighten due to the sensation.

Some women keep their Ben Wall Balls in for a few hours while others the entire day.  Beginners should probably start out with small set of balls and graduate up to larger heavier ones.  I suggest you use your balls at home before wearing them out in public.   You don’t want to lose your balls in your pants at the office and put your self in an uncomfortable situation.  J

What to do with your balls

Insert your balls into your vagina.  You can use some lube if you want to help slide them in… but I doubt that you will need to.  Once inside, they will feel no different than a tampon and within a few minutes, you will not feel them at all.  Depending on the weight of your balls when you become active, you will feel the balls jiggle inside your vagina and possibly begin to slide down.  I have never experienced the slide down feeling but I felt I should warn you just incase.  The feeling of the balls is very slight, this slight movement of the inner balls, will cause your kegel muscles to tighten.  Depending on your sensitivity, you will begin to feel aroused. 

Some balls come stringed and others are not.  I prefer the non-stringed version for cleanliness reasons.  Some women prefer the stringed version of the balls to ensure they can reach them to pull them out… but don’t worry… all you have to do is push down and the balls will come out easily… 

Benefit of the balls

  1. strengthen your muscles to stop or hold the flow of urine
    1. kegel exercises and ben wa balls are good for older women who are beginning to lose urinary control
  2. cause clitoral erection during sexual arousal
  3. rhythmically contract during sexual orgasm
  4. support the bladder, uterus and rectum

The balls work your kegel muscles and over time, will increase your sexual pleasure.  I am not sure if you noticed but the more you squeeze during intimacy the better sex feels for you and you man.  It has been proven that the stronger your kegel muscles are the more intense your orgasms will be.  I am all for stronger orgasms… lol

Using these balls is the easiest and most effective way to work out your kegel muscles because your vagina is forced to flex to keep the balls in when you are active.

You can also leave the balls in during intercourse, when your mans penis thrusts it will move the balls around inside you.  He will like the added sensation and I actually experienced my first cervical orgasm from doing this.  Men say they like the added sensation of the balls during intercourse as well. 

Ben Wa Balls and Technology
You can now purchase vibrating Ben Wall Balls… The negative of the vibrating balls is there is a control, which will make it hard to wear them in public like normal balls.  I can just picture you walking around with a remote hanging out of your pants. J  I have never tried them… but I can imagine they feel great during intercourse and will give your kegels a really good work out.   

To sum it all up… the balls are good to use while having sex and tightening your kegel muscles, which in the end makes for a more pleasurable sexual experience.  They are also good for older women who are beginning to lose urinary and bowel control.  There is no harm in using the balls everyday and with the increased activity in your vagina; you may even experience an increase in your sex drive… I know I did. 

Lastly, anytime you are trying something new with your partner it is good to communicate with your partner letting him know what it is you are doing.  Go to the Toy Store or search for them online together and share with him what you have learned in the blog.  It can be a very fun experience and exciting experience.

So until next week… Have Great Sex…. Smooches.  
“...Claim It”
Lady Tajahi –